All of us need to have access to forgiveness, at least from time to time in our lives. No one of us escapes the need for forgiveness at some time in our lives.
- Forgiveness is abundant. It is not scarce.
- Forgiveness is not about forgetting. The more you or I remember as we forgive, the more powerful will be our forgiveness and our memories can be healed.
- Forgiveness is not a condoning of the evil that is perpetrated on us. This is a vital point.
- Forgiveness can restore the broken and violated trust in our lives.
- Forgiveness does not come from our feelings and emotions that have been damaged. Forgiveness will heal and re-empower them.
- Forgiveness always includes the need for restitution and compensation when called for.
- Forgiveness will truly heal the urge or need for resentment that you may crave against your perpetrator.
THE PROCESS
Forgiveness has two elements:
a) to receive forgiveness, accept forgiveness
b) to offer, give forgiveness, as in “I forgive you.”
In this process, I deal only with b) giving forgiveness. Forgiveness comes from the core and center of who you are, who we are. That is from our will, our willingness. This is a vital and essential point as we begin the process.
Question 1) Are you (Am I) willing to forgive whoever is the person or the group of persons or the institution that has hurt you, damaged you, or violated you?
Your answer can only be “Yes” or “No”. Either answer is authentic. If your answer is “Yes”, then and only then, you move to the next question.
Question 2) Are you (Am I) willing to forgive the person/ persons/institution totally? That is for all and every item that offended you. It could be a few times or thousands of times over years, even decades.
If your answer is “Yes” then and only then, you move to the next question.
Question 3) Are you (Am I) willing to forgive the person/ persons/ institution absolutely? This question has to do with untying, loosening, unfettering the rigid, unrelenting way you regard and hold the perpetrator(s).
Your “Yes” will allow you to let go of your stuckness and rigidity. Your “Yes” allows you to go to the next question.
Question 4) Are you (Am I) willing to forgive the person/persons/institution unconditionally? That is, you deprive yourself and give up all your excuses; your “ifs,” your “ands,” and your “buts”; all and every condition that you have or could conjure up. You leave yourself no escape!
Your “Yes” then is clean and authentic as you forgive unconditionally. Then your forgiveness is complete! You have forgiven the person/persons/institution totally, absolutely and unconditionally. You will experience a great healing yourself and a wonderful opening for a miracle in your relationship with others, maybe with your former enemy(s) and, of course, a re-empowerment in your life to make a difference in the way you live your life.
Congratulations and thank you for your great courage and generosity.
Once you have completed a Forgiveness Process as described above, it will be relatively easy to use the same process over and over in your life as needed. Indeed if you are willing, you may become a master of this process. Do not be afraid to hand on this gift of forgiveness to others! “Freely have you received, freely give away.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge the gifts you receive when you generously forgive. Among those gifts, almost always, your feelings, your emotions, and your memories will be healed, or at the least you will be open to being healed in this vital area of your life. And if you have a religious or spiritual commitment in your life, it will be greatly empowered and enhanced if you are a person of forgiveness.
And, if your answer is “No” to one or all of the four questions in the process, and you continue to answer “No,” that is certainly your privilege. I suggest, however, that it is truly important to ask a further question and do your best to deal with it. The question is “What is it costing you in your life to say “No” to those four questions?” You are the only one who can answer this question and who will live with the consequences of your answer. Do not be afraid to look at what your resentment may really be costing you.
Fr. P. Gerrard O'Rourke
